I’ll just say it: I love Jon Voight in this role. I love his candor, his calmness, his ingenuity, his faux honesty. In the hierarchy of 24
villains, he soars past Habib Marwan and into the top slot. I can’t imagine they’ll keep him around all season – I mean, we’ve still got eight episodes, right? There could be a good 2-3 villains left – but I’m enjoying the run.

Much of tonight’s episode focuses on Starkwood and it’s nice to for once have a character (Voight) who can carry the show when Jack isn’t around. He sizes up Tony quickly – ” “Almeida’s not going to talk. He’s not the type. He’s the brave type” – before trying his best to convince Tony anyway. “I can’t say you’ll walk away smiling,” he tells Tony, “That would be unrealistic. But, you will be alive.”


This is to no avail and Voight’s little crony Greg – whose purpose on the show has, to this point, been solely as a four-letter lemming – for some reason demands to speak to JV personally. He suggests disposing of the evidence and saving themselves before it’s too late. JV scoffs at this and where a lesser villain would gun down his crony on the spot, Voight chooses to keep him around.

Meanwhile, Jack has been asked to undress in a scene that my pseudo-friend Joy will doubtlessly post to her Facebook page with a “hubba hubba” tag in about six months when she watches it on DVD. The CDC doctor sprays him down as she stares at the scars on his body. Jack assures her these scars are not a reaction to the biological weapon and in fact have been there a long time.

Jack asks how long it will be before they know about his condition. The CDC lady says they should have an answer in the next 15 minutes. Translation: smart TV viewers should take a 15 minute break.

Alas, I failed to heed my own advice, for some reason choosing to put myself through an intolerable Olivia and Alison Taylor scene (note: characters are listed in reverse order of “likelihood of saying an incredulous ‘what?’ upon hearing bad news”). Showing wisdom that would make even Kim Bauer jealous, our fictitious president names her 28-year-old daughter as provisional chief of staff. That sentence may not read so poorly if you think she’s been handed responsibility at an LA Fitness. When you think of her as second-in-charge of the United States of America…let’s just say I’m glad this isn’t real life.

There’s not much time to celebrate Olivia’s promotion before Team Taylor receives a phone call. Starkwood has a biological weapon, we need to move on this fast, etc. Hearing the news, our president does what any leader would do in this situation: call a meeting. Meanwhile Olivia’s first act in her new position is to adopt Aaron Pierce as her own personal bodyguard. Yup, you definitely want to choose the guy with his arm in a sling to guard your chief of staff. Savvy move. Maybe I’ve judged her too early.

The presidential meeting produces few clear answers. After Eddie the Vietnam Vet turned copywriter on Seinfeld (seriously – it’s him) mentions the illegality of ordering a strike on Starkwood, Taylor finds herself in a bind.

“What I’m hearing is that there are no good options,” she says, choosing her words the way someone does in one of those non-violent communication workshops. Soon it’s decided: move in on Starkwood.

Speaking of Starkwood, Tony was moments away from sure death before being saved by Greg the pipsqueak, of all people. He tells Tony that Starkwood has gone too far – honestly, what exactly did he think was going to happen? – and he wants immunity. Can Tony even offer that? Isn’t Tony still wanted by the FBI? He doesn’t promise anything.

In a mildly surprising scene, Jack is shown to test positive for the virus. This will eventually lead to dementia, the doctor tells him, perhaps forgetting it’s Jack Freaking Bauer she’s talking to. Renee comes and consoles him, mentioning that he did the right thing when he saved the port authority cop at the expense of the rest of the mission. Sure, keep telling yourself that.

Greg and Tony call the FBI to fill them in on the details. Greg asks for immunity. Moss…says he has to call the president? What? Not believable. Not believable. Why delay? Why would that happen? The odds of Greg staying alive begin to decrease as Moss makes his procedural call to the White House. They set up a three-way web conference wherein President Taylor electronically signs off on the pardon.

Moss and a slew of FBI agents move in on Starkwood as Greg provides directions on the location of the weapon. In his (allegedly) weakened condition Jack has been left behind, leaving America’s hopes pinned on the decision-making of one Lawrence J. Moss. Don’t you feel inspired?

Moss’ choppers somehow land without incident even though they’re attacking a defense contractor. His men move into position after doing that cool thing where they slide down limp ropes as if they’re fire station poles. Tension builds as Jack and Renee watch from the green-tinted TVs back at FBI headquarters (confession: something about the green-tint makes me bite my fingernails). Moss and company move in, move in and…they’ve been tricked. The weapon isn’t here. Greg pretends Tony is at fault for this. Jack tells Larry the weapon has got be somewhere on campus. They couldn’t have moved it away that quickly.

Suddenly empowered, troops from Starkwood surround Moss and the FBI. Some familiar-looking guy with a Virginia accent starts barking at Larry – you have invaded private property, don’t take another step, etc. In a scene which feels eerily similar to yet another from The Rock, they take turns yelling at each other to stand down. I’m just waiting for the part next week where someone kicks a rock, it sounds like a gunshot and soon everyone winds up dead. Plus, we’ll get to hear someone replicate Nic Cage’s iconic “rocket man” joke towards the end of that movie.

Some disturbing things from this episode: 1. I don’t know if I’m tired, bored or what, but somehow I didn’t see the old “Greg as double-crosser” plot coming;

2. They’re going to make it seem like Greg has immunity even though a real draft of that letter would require some sort of return on investment. You don’t just give away immunity without receiving something. Then again, with this administration…;

3. If the continuing resemblance to The Rock continues, the season is going to end with Jack handing a stuffed bunny to his daughter. Or was that Con Air? Either way, this doesn’t feel right.

Until next week…

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